There were scenes of shock, horror and disbelief when Elvis Presley turned up for work today at Sam 'n' Ellas Fish and Chip shop on the Isle of Bute.
A normal Firth of Clyde Wednesday turned into a day of complete mayhem and chaos when Elvis turned up for work to find Osama Bin laden dressed in white overalls, not only preparing haddock in batter, but also cutting potatoes for chips and opening tins of what Osama calls "oppressed peas".
"For a start, Kirsty MacColl will be spinning in her grave! Uh Huh! I mean, aside from it being my job, there's no way Terry Wogan is going to introduce a song entitled 'There's a Guy works down the Chip Shop swears he's Osama'.
"I knew nothing of this at all. Uh Huh!
"Only last night I was round at Sam and Ellas house for dinner - they're secondary vegetarians and will only eat meat from a cow that doesn't eat meat - and they never mentioned a word about this. Uh Huh!
"I've been working at the chip shop ever since Kirsty's song was released. I've given years of loyal service and have chip-oiled many a sequin suit! Thank-you-very-much-ladies-an-gennelmen"
However, it was revealed that neither Sam nor Ella were actually themselves aware of the situation. Sam takes up the story:
"The first we knew of this was when a blubbering Elvis, or should I say a blubber Elvis, phoned to ask who the chap with the beard was serving behind the counter. I thought it was Elvis playing a joke!
"It seems Osama had been speaking to an Australian man outside his cave in Pakistan where he had been frying fish. The Australian man looked at his fish and said "G'day mate, that's a Beaut", and the idea was born.
"Osama has come to Bute to settle down and plan his next terrorist campaign from the gentle flowing slopes of Bute, turn left at Edinburgh."
The lead singer of the Kaiser Chiefs was said to be predicting a riot.