New consumer watchdog Offrip launched today

Funny story written by Steddyeddy

Wednesday, 21 May 2008

image for New consumer watchdog Offrip launched today
Average holiday maker's luggage for a trip to rip-off Britain

Today sees the launch of the new consumer watchdog Offrip, whose job it is to ensure people in Britain continue to pay extortionate prices for products sold much more cheaply abroad.

Heading the new watchdog is Robin Meeblind, the man who invented the British banking system's £35 overdraft letter, and he will report to Secretary of State Jack Potte at the Ministry for Inactivity.

Launching the new watchdog over a 7-course lunch with Bollinger champagne in the Harrod's restaurant, Mr Meeblind laid his cards out on the table - Platinum Visa, Gold Mastercard, Ruby Amex, Diamond Diners' Club and a Nectar Card.

"Up to now, the government has failed to intervene in all but the most basic consumer rip-offs in Britain. My job is to ensure that they intervene in absolutely nothing that may compromise the profits of the major corporations in the UK. We simply cannot have it coming to the stage where the British consumer is offered value for money.

"For example, both the European and British Parliaments intervened in the mobile phone market, where they have insisted that call rates in the EU be harmonised. This is an absolute disgraceful state of affairs, where mobile phone suppliers have been victimised and overtly stopped from ripping their customers off.

"My first target is football team strips. I have to ensure these sport sets, which cost about $4 to make in Thailand, are maintained at £80 at the very least. While the numpty football supporters are prepared to pay this, we cannot afford to stop them, or the owner of JJB Sports might have to downsize his Bentley.

"My second target is to ensure users of i-Tunes continue to pay the most expensive download prices in the world. There has been some talk of allowing access for British customers to the USA site where music download prices can be up to 50% cheaper, but I will have to use all my powers to ensure this doesn't happen.

"I will then be targeting on-line shops, town markets, Aldi and various £1 shops to ensure they cease this despicable practice of offering the British consumer value for money.

"The British consumer must continue to pay through the nose for everything. They owe it to the greedy suits and city shareholders who have never done an honest day's work in their lives - these peoples' lifestyles cannot be interrupted just because the British people start wanting cheaper prices and value for money."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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