99 Cent Only Stores To Raise Prices

Funny story written by B. Elliot Stern

Saturday, 10 April 2004

City of Commerce, CA - Discount retailer 99 Cent Only Stores announced today that effective immediately all products in all 194 of its stores will now be a $1.01. "Due to ever increasing manufacturing costs overseas we had no choice but to raise our prices, said company CEO David Gold. I remember back when I started this company you could get cheap exploitable labor in China, Taiwan, Malaysia, India, you name it. It's a shame that I now have to go back on my word that I would never raise prices."

The decision to raise prices by two cents comes at a time when gas prices are at an all time high in the U.S., as are housing costs. "We realize that the average American family is having a hard time making ends meet and it is not our intention to make everyday life more difficult for any of our customers, said 99 Cent Only Stores president Eric Schiffer. The good news is we will not have to change our company name since technically we are still offering 99 cents to consumers but now it is in change or three quarters, two dimes, and four pennies, as I like to put it."

Chino Hills resident Dolores Martinez is upset about the price increase. "What am I supposed to do with 99 cents in change? Clearly I can't go to the 99 Cent Only Store and buy something, because apparently I now need a $1.01 to shop there."

In trading on the New York Stock exchange today, shares of 99 Cent Only Stores closed up 99 cents.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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