London - (Ass Mess): Aliens abducted notorious MMR quack Dr Andrew Wakefield a GMC disciplinary hearing into gross professional misconduct was told today.
Wakefield, 69, told the august medical panel that he was just sitting on Hampstead Heath at lunchtime one day, eating spam sandwiches as usual and pondering how microbes can bug a chap when Woosh!
"A blazing bright blue light swooped down on me out of the sky, Your Honors," Wakefield said, "grabbing me in a powerful tractor beam and whisking me aloft, high above the Royal Flea Hospital nearby."
Wakefield went on to say he was soon taken on board a vast cosmic spacecraft where a team of the galaxy's top immunologists probed his anus after failing to realise "which way up humans really are".
"And then it came to me! A kind of Vulcan mind-meld took place which imparted to be all the universe's vast repository of knowledge about vaccination techniques and ploys to make a quick buck out of the British Legal Aid system!"
Wakefield has been charged with causing a global measles pandemic after being paid to cobble together a huge dossier of whoppers alleging a link between the MMR vaccine and credulous middle class parents hellbent on protecting against childhood diseases by treating their spawn with leeches, incantations and tarot readings.
The hearing continues.
