Hogwarts: A Mystery. Hogwarts: A Scandal

Funny story written by Tiki Murphy

Saturday, 22 March 2008

image for Hogwarts: A Mystery. Hogwarts: A Scandal
Hogwarts first Quidditch match after the scandal broke.

Undisclosed location, England- In wizarding news this week, the suspicious deaths of Albus Dumbledore and Severus Snape.

On the surface it appeared that Albus Dumbledore had been murdered in cold blood by one Professor Severus Snape. But after a careful examination of the facts, this was not the case.

It was murder, but it was not done in cold blood. Officials found, in the deceased headmaster's office, a request in the form of a love letter to the disgraced professor. In the letter Albus declares his love, openly, for Severus and requests that Severus put an end to his suffering. It was, in fact, a mercy killing.

When questioned about the letter the former Deputy Headmistress Minerva McGonagall burst into tears. "I have loved Albus for most of my life. To find out, now and like this, why he never loved me back. Well, I am relieved and humiliated."

It was rather apparent to the staff and students how McGonagall felt.

"Oh, you could tell right off she wanted to snog with him," says Ginny Weasley.

Although it really wasn't a shock to most of the others that Dumbledore was in love with Severus. As Draco Malfoy states, "Oh, bloody hell, it was very much an 'in your face' thing wasn't it. I mean come on why else would have Dumbledore trusted him so much. 'I trust Severus with my life.' Well no shit you old nutter."

In related news, it has become apparent that Severus Snape was not, in fact, killed by the snake Nagini. He had committed suicide.

"I'll never forget his final words to me," claims Harry Potter, the last person to see Severus alive. "He said, 'I have loved him since I was eleven. We just used your mother as a cover. I cannot live my life without him. I cannot live knowing, that to prove my love, I had to kill him.' Those were his last words. Etched into my brain, they are."

"We all have our own special memories of the late headmaster. We will keep those in mind, and try to forget about the rest," explains the new Head of Gryffindor, Ronald Weasley.

There is no word on how Hogwarts, and it's people, will cope with this new discovery. But it has been said the school will reopen. The new Headmistress will be Hermione Granger, since she knows everything anyway.

The great hope, is that Hogwarts will prosper and put these tragedies behind it.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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