Inept, and slightly camp looking, Chancellor of the Exchequer Alistair Darling is tonight said to be 'out on a limb' after a series of embarrassing blunders from his department.
Darling faced a roasting in The Commons today, and after mumbling his way through a few tricky questions he (as one fellow MP described it) 'completely lost it, like Michael Douglas in falling down. He looked up from the dispatch box and you could see in his eyes that he had gone. It was terrifying'.
David Cameron had just accused Darling of being inept, and called for his resignation. Darling looked over at Cameron like he was subhuman scum and screamed "Fuck you Cameron you massive nonce. I am gonna rip your fucking head off and shit down your throat". Cameron looked shocked (but somehow remained extremely smug looking too), and tried to spit out a retort, only to be further abused by Darling who ripped into him for being "a public schoolboy fag, who liked a bit of man meat in his bum". The Chief Whip described it as 'terrifying stuff' and admitted to being 'slightly aroused' and having a 'little semi on'.
On the other side of The Commons Cameron wept openly into the bosom of Theresa May, and tried to cop a little feel before she slapped him away.
Obviously concerned at recent blunders, and sensing more negative headlines, Gordon Brown tried to calm the situation down by putting an insincere reassuring arm around Darling. Darling could clearly sense the insincerity and shook the arm away like an upset child. Brown couldn't hide his anger at this public snub and slapped Darling on the bottom in a forthright manner. At this point the situation took a very peculiar turn.
Darling turned menacingly to the rest of his party and let out what can only be described as a 'Braveheart wail', before turning to the Speaker, giving him the bird and requesting that he 'sit on this bitch!'.
Darling then hot-footed it out of Parliament, tearing off his clothes as he ran. By the time he exited the building he was naked from the waste up, screaming and crying simultaneously, and with his tie fastened around his forehead like John Rambo. He was last seen disappearing into the foggy London night running like a crazed homosexual. Reuters have sketchy reports of sightings on Clapham Common. Gordon Brown has sent Ron Davies to investigate.