The Government is giving senior nurses the right to kill patients. They will be armed with Walther PPK death syringes and given code names beginning with "00".
The Health Secretary said that these powers were needed to stem the tide of hospital violence against staff and other patients. The new "killer nurses" will be trained in exotic locations like Monaco and the Bahamas, taught how to play roulette and poker, and given an expensive Aston Martin ambulance as well as a standard issue Walther PPK syringe containing a vial of deadly toxin.
Patient groups are worried that the killer nurses may become vigilantes, patrolling hospital corridors ready to shoot anyone for the smallest of misdemeanours. However, Senior Nurse Sherry Connolly aka "00 Cocodamol" told our reporter:
"Shenior Nurshesh will only kill pashentsh in the lasht reshort, where reashon and a kick up the backshide have failed."
The news has worried many hospital consultants. Physician Doctor No told us:
"For years, our status as consultants gave us a licence to shag the living daylights out of all nurses. That will stop, now that some of them will no longer practise the nursing motto of live and let live."
