Buckingham Palace - (Ass Mess): The Puppet Monarch's live-in rent boy Prince (sic) Philip has had a secret heart condition for 15 years according to Palace sources.
"The Hellfire Club nephew of UK Blackshirts leader Oswald Mosely has been shagging a cutesy-faced Buck House under-valet since 1992," an palace insider said today, "he's absolutely bonkers about the lad, who started off as an intern on a work experience placement from the Department of Pensions.
"Philip's condition has caused concern among the Puppet Monarch's family because he's has not been feeling himself of late.
"Instead he's been going at it hammer and tongs with this young flunkey moron. Morning, noon and night. Behind the ceremonial velvet drapes in the Throne Room and in the vestibule of the Royal Gallery.
"As if that wasn't bad enough, last week he nearly caused a major diplomatic incident when he and the little bum-bandit were caught in flagrente inside the Palace dumb waiter during a reception to honor the President of Poland.
"Everybody thought it was all under control after the two of them were videoed by security last year having it off in the back of the 1782 ceremonial Gold Coach which was being prepared for the State Opening of Parliament.
"The whole thing had to be hosed down with disinfectant after the interior's shantung silk upholstery became crusted over with bodily fluids.
"The two of them got a right ticking off from the Palace Lord Chamberlain Lord Luce-Cannon.
"But obviously he didn't give a fig about it and the affair has carried on.
"Now we're really dreading the whole thing coming out on a YouTube video."
Old Fatty Mountbatten is said to be livid.
