In a fighting speech at the Lib-Dem conference today, Sir Minge Campbell, their sort of leader, announced that far from his age being a hindrance it will be an election winner.
He declared, "... when it comes to the next general election, I believe there is some speculation that age will be a factor. You bet it will. Because I'll make it one. I am announcing today that from now on I am 98 years old."
There was a two minute standing ovation. "We're home and dry", one delegate was heard to say.
His speech did not get off to the best of starts however. After walking on stage and waving to somebody in the wings, he came to a halt in the middle of the stage and was heard to mutter "Now what the hell did I come on this stage for? Oh yes, the speech" then he was off at a croaking pace (shum mishtake, i think. Ed)
With fist shaking in the air he said he will "rattle the Zimmer" of British politics and smash the "cosy playpen" of Labour's Boy Brown and Conservatives Cuddly Cameron. After a few deep breaths his fist stopped shaking and he continued.
"With age comes experience, with experience comes wisdom, with wisdom comes... comes...Norman?" He had lost his place but soon recovered by thrusting out his manly jaw and removing his bifocals in one sweeping movement that sent them spinning into the audience. They were caught by giggling Sarah Tether who tucked them in her cleavage and refused to give them back.
Undaunted, he tottered to the side of the podium and gave a rousing impromptu wave.
Then, in a quiet, statesmanlike voice he said, "Last night...last night an old lady was locked in a public lavatory until the attendant arrived this morning. Welcome to Brown's Britain! (applause) I understand that woman's plight. When I am prime Minister I will ensure that ALL pensioners will have their own keys to public toilets so that this sort of thing can never happen again."
The audience went wild. They knew they had a sort of fighter for a leader.
