THE UGLIEST MAN in Britian was acknowledged this week at the Royal Ugliness Association HQ, just outside Garpbury, Esswex.
Arnold Podge, 56, was born in Pukely, Kent, and for many years was well known and widely avoided by all his neighbours.
"Eee, he was roight ugly bastard, yer," said one man, queing outside the job centre.
"I've never seen anyone more ugly," said one of the judges at the RUA awards. "Or less. I'm blind, you see."
This judge, who asked to remain unnamed because he'd forgotten his name anyway, showed us a copy of the strict competition guidelines. Or at least, he thought that's what he was showing us - it was actually just a lottery ticket from 1996.
The ceremony was a quiet affair, because the main speaker, TV's own Alan Titchmarsh, had lost his voice. But, bravely deciding the show must go on, he got across his message by directing the audience to look at the autocue on the back wall.
But soon the time to give out the prize arrived, and Arnold walked happily onto the stage, injuring several people. Alan handed the trophy over, and clapped politely, before going home to his beloved garden.
"This is the proudest moment of my life," said Arnold, many hours later, when no-one was around to hear him.
