WAFFLE HOUSE, IOWA-A friendly pancake tossing competition between Howard Dean and John F. Kerry got ugly this morning. What was supposed to be an opportunity to show off their flapjacking abilities to Iowa voters turned out to be uglier than expected.
It all started when Dean noticed some irregularities, but not until the damage had been done. Apparently Kerry had painted propaganda graffiti on Dean's griddle smock that said, "Dean has flat cakes!" Dean didn't notice until he was actually wearing the apron and a reporter pointed it out after taking a photo of him flapping his jack.
The photo also later revealed that Dean's cake itself had been tampered with. The shot caught the mid-air cake with a mean ugly face painted on it meaning to point out Dean's volatile nature.
Dean blew up. But he was apparently not without guilt for a preemptive strike either. His opponent's campaign posters had been switched with ones that said John F-ing Kerry which highlighted Kerry's French-speaking abilities (if you know what we mean).
John's grill had also been painted to look like a French flag, but Kerry thought it was patriotic looking and was never the wiser. But Dean had retaliation on his mind.
He sent over a 12-year-old stealth operative to do the dirty work. While Kerry was distracted, she put some red food coloring in his batter which turned it pink. Dean said, "That's a pink cake to go with that Breck-Girl-Headed sissy candidate with effeminate handwriting!"
John didn't notice until he flapped his jack. He also never noticed that the girl had placed a Dean bumper sticker on his crotch.
In the long run Kerry called Dean "stumpy" and Dean attacked Kerry. They wrestled around on the kitchen floor covered in batter from head to toe. There was no clear winner.
A second look at the photos revealed a mysterious figure behind Dean on the other side of the glass door taking a picture. Later analysis by computer uncovered that it was none other than female pop super star singing/acting sensation Madonna.
Madonna is the secret stealth operative of retired Gen. Wesley Clark, also a candidate. It appears she is the one who initiated the preemptive strikes knowing that they would attack each other and make fools of themselves.
Even though this is Madonna's first entry into the public political arena, she has shown that, in this atmosphere, she is not like a virgin.
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