LONDON (Heewack News Network) -- West Ham United have retained the services of the late Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain in a last-ditch effort to prevent striker Carlos Tevez from switching to Manchester United.
The Rt. Hon. Chamberlain, last seen exiting Parliament in 1940 after the German invasion of France, said he was "supremely confident" that his visit to Old Trafford to negotiate the return of Argentine Tevez would produce the same fruitfulness that occurred in 1958, when West Ham prevented the transfer of midfielder David "Own Goal" Wainscotting-Mold to the Red Devils.
Late Saturday Chamberlain announced that he had secured the contract of Tevez and said he expected the scorer of last season's relegation-preventing goal to spearhead the Hammers' offense.
"My good friends, for the second time in our history, a British Prime Minister has returned from Manchester bringing Tevez with honour," Chamberlain declared. "I believe it is Tevez for our time."
But West Ham's hopes were dashed in the morning, as Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson angrily threw Chamberlain out of the Old Trafford offices, saying that Chamberlain's offer of two pounds, twenty pence to "settle the matter" was an insult.
"You have sat too long here for any good you have been doing," Ferguson yelled to Chamberlain as security guards escorted the PM out the door. "Depart, I say, and let us have done with you. In the name of God, go."
Chamberlain said he planned to "return home and die of cancer again" shortly.
