Written by Velveeta Peron

Thursday, 9 August 2007

British security forces are in a xenophobic search for grotesquely wealthy American divorcee Suzie Schitz, ex-wife of the trillionaire burger wrap manufacturer Leonard (Lennie) "Clever" Schitz.

Mrs. Schitz today boasted of masterminding a scheme to redress her failure to acquire any of the cast offs auctioned by Diana, Princes of Wales.

Schitz, 50-70, was outbid on every outfit she sought at the history altering sale in June, 1997.

"I ain't giving up," snarled the dreadful American in an interview to launch a pre-crime spree publicity campaign. "I want a royal dress and I'm gonna get one and I don't care! I wanna be famous on the internet for buying some royal thing, too."

Schitz made the comments from Ye Olde Englande Bed & Breakfast, Clapham, where she bunkered after being turned out of the Ritz, the Dorchester, the Savoy, the Berkley and Claridge's.

"I've hired some guys to help me out and we're just gonna rip the dresses off the guests when they show up at the church. But they're gay guys, see, so they'll rip 'em real careful and we can just put 'em back together like they were right outta the container from Hong Kong."

Ten years ago, Schitz made a shameless display at the posh jumble sale, organized by the then not late princess in aid of some charity and favourable headlines.

Supported by her then husband, the Schitzs protested her failure to acquire a Barbara Cartland inspired lyrca and ostrich plume track suit that Diana planned to wear to a completely unplanned and deeply intrusive encounter with the paparrazi between 1:00 and 1:07 GMT on 1st September, 1997.

"Except for Posh, most English dames wouldn't know a good dress if they seen it," offered Schitz. "I got my eye on the sisters. They're like, junior princesses, right? And they're kinda old, I can take 'em."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Princess Diana

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