Black and Decker to Drill Screws

Funny story written by david alsatian

Monday, 6 August 2007

EMBATTLED security company Group Four last night sensationally revealed they have recruited washed-up singers Cilla Black and Carol Decker to drum some discipline into their shambolic prison warders.

Group Four have seen profits drop by 25 per cent in the last three years and the company is losing important prison contracts due to the shabby performance of their warders.

The company still holds multi-million pound contracts for Barlinnie and Strangeways but government officials have hinted they will seek a new contractor after recent incidents at both prisons.

Prisoners at Strangeways recently took advantage of weak wardering to hold a four day seminar on organised crime and terrorism while Barlinnie inmates last month set up a successful bear baiting and ferreting franchise right under the noses of warders.

Group Four CEO Demetrio Wankhands has decided enough is enough and is set to unleash a reign of terror at his prisons.

And the tough talking Italian has lined up no-nonsense songstresses Black and Decker to lead his campaign.

Sixites pop icon Cilla learned her terror trade from deceased husband Bobby, who secretly worked as a warder in Paul Pot's Cambodian labour camps.

The Scouse sadist is relishing her new assignment and last night claimed she was ready to "open up a can of whoopass".

Black added: "These softies need an iron rod of discipline, they won't be having a lorra lorra laughs after I'm finished with them."

After the demise of T'Pau, Decker joined the Serbian army and soon gained notoriety as one of their fiercest interrogators. The flame haired beauty, now 45, was cited as being the mastermind behind Serbian terror tactics during the recent trial of Slobodan Milosevic, but has thus far avoided prosecution due the Sunday Mirror publishing a contemptuous article on the eve of the trial.

And Carol revealed she was champing at the bit to get fired into the Group Four warders. Decker said: "For too long we have been treating prisoners like china in our hands - it's time to get medieval. It's a real honour to be part of the great British system of justice."

Geordie singer Jimmy Nail meanwhile moved quickly to discredit media claims that he would join the Group Four "dream team".

He said: "Divvint tak shite man."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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