Wessex, England - (Daftass Press): Property prices have slumped in the heart of the South East England stockbroker belt where Heather Mills has pitched up along with her retinue of bodyguards, domestic servants, macrobiotic vegan shamans and hired hit-men.
Mills, 39, has acquired a £3 million house for herself and her daughter Bea as part of a divorce settlement from Paul McCartney.
No sooner had she moved in than panic set in among local residents who had been basked in the glory of seeing their very average country houses soar in price during the last couple of years.
Now 95% of properties in the quaint archetypically-English of Pratt's Bottom have suddenly gone on sale, some as "no reasonable offer refused", some at laughabgly low 1990s prices but all stipulating FAST SALE ESSENTIAL!
Estate agents have reported plummeting asking prices as the quintessentially Olde English village becomes a ghost town.
"Even top-end properties like the local manor house with baronial rights and land titles is up for sale with a price tag of an unbelievable £200,000," Old Whore & Sons (Estate Agents) said today.
"Just last month is was on a 'Offers over £5 million and we had Russian oligarchs queuing all the way to the M25 for a chance to view it.
"Now we can't even get the local authority to adopt it under the Key Workers Scheme.
"We blame Heather Mills.
"It's a tragedy, that's what it is.
"The last time there was a property slump the entire country could blame it effectively on the Tories. No doubt about it.
"But what Heather has managed to accomplish here in this little corner of Ancient Albion took Margaret Thatcher's government over a decade.
"The whole area is now doomed and I'm thinking of a major career change, maybe into porn-broking or something, as a result."
Paul McCartney is 69.