Written by Neilos

Saturday, 23 June 2007

image for Glastonbury Touts Make Record Profits
A post-op Pete Doherty last night.

Despite the efforts of festival organisers to stamp out the practise, Glastonbury has once again been a profitable weekend for the touts, with The Who and Girls Aloud among the worst hit.

Hours before playing their set at the festival, rock legends The Who spotted a Burberry-capped bandit making off with their instruments. Frontman Roger Daltry gave chase, but was unable to collar the thief.

However, only minutes later, a Scotsman approached the band offering a set of instruments for sale at a reasonable price. With no other option, the band parted with a staggering £200,000 in return for the guitars, drums and amps. The instruments were later found to be unauthorised copies of the stolen instruments, constructed from cardboard and dental floss. Fortunately, the filthy crowd had so much mud in their ears that no one noticed the difference, and The Who were voted 'band of the last 10 minutes' by ITV Play viewers.

Pop tarts Girls Aloud also felt the sting of the touts. After Cheryl Tweedy was arrested on suspicion of assaulting a fellow mime who 'did funny hand things at me pint, like', touts stepped in to offer 22-year-old mother of eight Dorothy Haynes as a replacement.

Despite Miss Haynes' exceptional vocal talent and inability to mime like a goldfish, the band were forced to hand over £35,000 and a bag of peanuts to tout Rhodhri Evans. Things went from bad to worse for the band, after Nadine Coyle accidentally plugged in her microphone before entering the stage, leading to the death of sixteen moths and a rare Golden Eagle.

Revellers too fell victim to the profiteers. Well-known local hippy Flowerbell Smythe-Roberts, 46, told of his horror after buying a counterfeit hot-dog from a shady vendor.

"It was like, meaty, man. Like a hedgehog. Yeah. No tofu. I cried."

Organiser Michael Eavis says steps are in place to prevent any repeats of such incidents in 2008.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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