Lord Sir Admiral The Right Honourable Emperor Duke 'Paddy' Ashdown VC MBE KGB has accepted - reluctantly - the 2007 Miss World award.
Speaking from his ivory tower in Ashdownsville, humble Paddy blushed "I wasn't expecting this honour. No, hold on - I was. That's right, I was talking to my wife about twenty years ago, and I told her I'd get it, it was only a matter of time before my beauty was recognised along with my genius. Do you want my autograph?"
Viscount The King Earl Czar Ashdown is no stranger to controversy. In 1974 he allegedly dressed up as Jeremy Thorpe, the then Liberal leader, took pot-shots at a male model called Norman Scott and left an ice-cream van belonging to Thorpe at the scene.
Following a police investigation, Thorpe resigned but protested his innocence, claiming it was Ashdown who shot at Scott, Ashdown who threw birdseed into Scott's greenhouse - causing his plants to be attacked by Viper Buzzards and Ashdown who borrowed one of Scott's bras "for a fancy dress party".
No charges were ever brought, but - mysteriously - Scott spent the rest of his life with a large cork in his mouth and refused to speak.
Brigadier The Lord Of All Creation Ashdown quoted Wittgenstein on the steps of 'Ashdonis', his modest golden castle today: "I think it was Wittgenstein who said, 'Ashdown, how do you spell "pencil"?' I often helped him with his spelling. Did you know I was superb?"