London - (Ass Mess): A bewildered and utterly betrayed Heir Apparent to the Pretender to the Puppet Throne has spoken for the first time about how he found out he hasn't a hope in hell of ever becoming King - except in the febrile Nazi imaginatations of Daily Mail, Mail on Sunday, Daily Express and Telegraph readers.
"I was always told it was a done deal and that I would pull it off, no problem," William said today at his Bovington Barracks Camp.
"Pretending to be Charles and Diana's son has been a doddle while my real dad's been running the White House and my mum's been divorcing Paul McCartney.
"But then that tosser Blair got busted in the cash-for-peerages scam which Buckingham Palace dreamed up to hide hiring the IRA and Al-Qaeda to do its dirty business.
"And now the word on the street's out that Gordon Brown fixed up Prince Bandar to bankroll the July 7 bombers who took out 52 commuters like bona fide jihaddis.
"Then last December I got this visit, half a dozen heavies from NATO Military Intelligence, top brass guys meaner looking even than tha Bovington Camp commander tosser Marvin.
"They say to me, son - the amateur dramatics are over.
"The day Old Fatty Mountbatten kicks the bucket we're coming after you and your so-called ginger-nut brother Harry.
"And we're marching you straight to the brig on terrorism and bombing charges for that train job in Mardid.
"And don't even think you can scream 'Human Rights Act' at us sonny, by the time we've finished with you there won't BE a Human Acts Right that can help you and your scum.
"So where the hell does that leave me? Up shit creek without a paddle that's exactly where.
"Sure it's my pretend birthday next week on Thursday.
"You think I'll get a present from my Pa in the White House?"