Written by Barry Subchimp

Monday, 15 December 2003

image for Barrymore forgiven by public AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!
Lifter: Barrymore, the family entertainer.

ANOTHER six series were awarded to disgraced TV host, Michael Barrymore, after the flagging star, opened his heart and confessed, AGAIN!

The move came after a drink and drugs binge led to the the discovery of a sexually injured corpse in Barrymore's luxury swimming pool at his Soho home.

The fruity former-host of Strike it Lucky, had been arrested by police after being caught with a substantial amount of illegal narcotics in his possession.

But after selflessly confessing his wrong doings to a tabloid newspaper, ITV made the announcement late last night, that they would fund another load of 'Barrymores Fucking People', a show aimed at humiliating members of the public for a cheap laugh.

Mr Barrymore told The Sun, about his ordeal, in an emotional statement, he made for no other reason than to express his gratitude to his fans.

"I would drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels before I went out," sobbed the star as he broke down. " I just couldn't help myself, I just had to have more, and then the drugs started, and I knew that I needed help.

"The only thing that got me through it was the support of my loving fans, who's touching letters helped me to defeat my addictions. I'll never touch another bit of that evil stuff.

"There, I said it, now where's my five fucking grand? I've gotta meet my coke dealer in half an hour, or I'll lose me kneecaps, awight?"

Previously, in the midst of his lowest TV ratings in years, Mr Barrymore revealed that he had taken it up the wrong 'un, and had lied to his loving and supportive wife of over 10 years, catapulting him back onto the front of the TV times, and earning him a number of sympathy votes at a range of award ceremonies.

A spokesman for ITV said yesterday that they are completely supportive of Mr Barrymore, and his work:

"We needed to do something, we have too many TV presenters on our channel, and we would really like to see things go back to the good old days of 1997, when Michael was presenting almost every fucking one of our shows. After all, we had to do something to compete with the BBC, as they've already jumped ahead and given most of their airtime to David Dickinson."

But Mr Barrymore himself was adamant that he would use his fame only to do positive things for the world: "When my ratings begin to flag in a few years time, I think I'll have to bring out the big guns, and I'll break down and confess how I used to beat my wife with a plunger, when she refused to grow a five-o'clock shadow.

"That ought to get me another twelve series, awight?"

Mr Barrymore celebrated his new shows last night, with a private pool party with some close "friends."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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