Hirst reveals reality plans

Funny story written by Hugh Plonnka

Sunday, 10 June 2007


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The latest Damien Hirst "masterpiece" ?

London, Sunday - Controversial artist Damien Hirst has revealed plans for a new reality TV show at the unveiling of his latest controversial masterpiece, a diamond human skull.

Hirst is currently in talks with Channel 4 and five about producing a new "major TV first" - a reality TV show where the public will be given the chance to vote for the star of Hirst's proposed "Hanging into Hell".

"I know my art makes people happy, but still there are thousands if not millions of unhappy people in this world. And for many there is no respite, no way out. I intend to offer these people two things. One, instant fame from a TV show. Two, the opportunity to go down in history as the star of one of my exhibits."

The idea is yet to be finalised, but Hirst is thinking of taking "twelve suicidal members of the public, from psychiatric hospitals if possible" and setting them art-related tasks such as "making papier maché vaginas" and "stuffing birds with horse manure" over a period of 8 weeks.

The public will get to vote on each task, and the person polling the lowest number of votes will leave the show.

"I envisage the final being very challenging. Creating a statue of me out of animal excrement is one option we're currently discussing."

In a move that will outrage many "do-gooders" as Hirst calls them, the results show of that final episode will feature the winner being handed a man's belt and a step ladder and being shown to the area earmarked for the display.

"Of course it worries us that the winner may not feel quite so depressed as he or she did when the show started" said a spokesman for Hirst's production company, "but we will be ensuring that all prescribed medicines will be stopped, and we're confident by the end, the winner will be still be suicidal.

"We will not allow the actual death to appear on TV - although Saddam Hussein's proved extremely popular on youtube - and we are adamant that the exhibit will not be open to the public until the following morning, out of respect for the winner's family."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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