Dulux whitewashed for New Labour

Funny story written by bunny

Wednesday, 4 February 2004

image for Dulux whitewashed for New Labour
the Dulux Dog in happier days

Political commentators and MPs alike were left stunned when a former employee of Paint giant Dulux claimed the firm had a secret deal with the Labour Party.

The anonymous caller to commercial radio station LBC, claimed the two giant capitalist corporations struck the deal not long after the death of former Labour Leader John Smith.

Mr X, as he called himself, believed to be a retired board member, claimed "It came about quite by accident, we'd made a donation to the labour party prior to Mr Smith's death and decided it would be appropriate to show our support for Mr Blair when he won the leadership contest, by making a second donation."

It seems that Dulux got more than they bargained for by making a donation to "New Labour". Mr X continued "In the eighteen months leading up to the general election various labour party officials started leaning on us, hinting that we shouldn't provide any whitewash to Tory MP's or officials. I mean obviously we wouldn't just give our paint away but they were very insistent, adamant in fact. They said that, as we'd made a donation to "New Labour" it would be highly embarrassing for us if it were to be made public that we'd provided whitewash to the conservatives. In the end it didn't matter, we weren't contacted by the Tories so it wasn't a problem."

However it seems things got far worse for the Dulux board, in an effort to get to the bottom of the story the Spoof.com tracked down Mr X. and after promising to hide his identity were able to get the full story.

After New Labours rise to power in 1997 its demands on Dulux just kept on growing.
Mr X told us "Once they (new labour) got into government their demands became far more worrying, they were demanding white wash every month. Every time one of their Ministers came under fire from the press we'd get a called demanding we white wash the issue immediately. It got to the stage in the last couple of years where we could predict the call before it came. We realised that every time a leak appeared in the Sun or Times, white wash would be required."

In return for white washing every piece of controversy surrounding new Labour, Dulux were offered preferential treatment on everything from anti-competitive behaviour, to lead levels in their paint. As Mr X put it "they ignored the toxic nature of our new products and didn't bat a eyelid when we colluded with the big DIY chains. It was when I retired from the board last year that I realised how serious the problem had become. Trevor Kavangh contacted me to "gage my reaction to the possibility of a knighthood", no sooner had I finished saying that I'd be honoured but it was extremely unlikely, than I received a call from labour party HQ informing me of their intention to put me up for a peerage."

Although Mr. X initially accepted the offer, he says that after sleeping on it he realised "the level of corruption behind the offer" and immediately informed the Labour HQ that he would not be accepting the peerage. Mr X told us "they weren't best pleased, I got the feeling that I was a marked man because of it."

Dulux have denied any involvement with recent events surrounding the Hutton Report. They have however admitted a "close working relationship with New Labour during the 90's".

A labour party spokesman, can of Crown white emulsion in hand, denied any links with Dulux saying "New Labour has never been sponsored by Dulux, we did have a healthy channel for dialogue but that was the full extent of the relationship. We would certainly never ask any contributor to the party to act in the manner this gentlemen has claimed. We will look into the possibility of holding an inquiry to clear the matter up but at present the party has no further comment ." Before jumping in his waiting car and speeding off in the direction of Lord Hutton's residence.

Political experts admit to being intrigued by the idea, one told us "It would seem to fit in with New Labours general pattern of operation, Lie, Spin and then Whitewash, and it certainly explains why they've been able to paint over otherwise very damaging allegations."

A Tory spokesman quipped "Lets hope for their (New Labour) sakes this story doesn't run, for too long, otherwise it could get messy."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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