Written by Barry Subchimp

Tuesday, 20 January 2004

image for Shipman's corpse ordered to finish his sentence.
Shipman's corpse, yesterday.

IN A shock announcement this morning, Home Secretary David Blunkett has ordered that serial killer Harold Shipman finish his life prison sentence, despite being dead since mid January.

Speaking outside a VD clinic in Clapham, which the blind minister had allegedly mistaken for the houses of parliament, Blunkett told reporters: "The families of Shipman's victims did not receive such an easy way out of their suffering.

"By murdering himself to death, he may believe that he has escaped his punishment - but he is sadly mistaken. By pronouncing himself dead, he has merely untied the hands of the judicial system."

Since Shipman will no longer be alive, a rushed government bill means he has automatically waived a number of his human rights, meaning that his treatment at Wakefield Prison will deteriorate significantly.
And Prison chiefs have defended proposals drawn up which involve a harsh regimen of brutal torture and hardship for the self styled Doctor Death.

"Each and every morning the dead 'Shippy' will be asked to get out of bed at 5am," said prison officer Derek Spud. "Should he fail to respond to his instructions, he'll be raped with a broken vinegar bottle. Then he'll have his dirt box wedged open with an upside down traffic cone, while a bag of angry wasps are poured in to 'ave a go at his dead and shredded vinegar-soaked guts."

After being denied breakfast, the by-now slightly pungent Shipman will then be escorted to the prison car park where his corpse will be beaten with a sack of rusty nails.
"Refusal to eat his lunch in the two minutes allocated will mean instant punishment," continued officer Spud. "He'll be stapled to the roof by his eyelids for an hour, then it's off for his daily afternoon booting."

According to prison service proposals, the whiffy stiff will then have his genitals set aflame, before having the fire extinguished with battery acid.

"All that and an hour in the evening dragged behind a truck through broken glass should punish him nicely," added Mr Spud.

But he hit back at claims that Shipman's corpse would be treated inhumanely under the new proposals.

"We won't be too harsh on him, if he's good then we'll let him watch a bit of Holby City for half an hour at night, and give him a bit of carrot cake - we're not monsters!"

Analysts are puzzled as to why Shipman has yet to appeal against the decision.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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