BellyBollox Castle - (Reuterus & Ass Mess): Camilla has spoken for the first time since her surgery last month to remove a sack of Duchy Originals King Edwards potatoes from her cavernous hellhole as well as the offending article itself following a spate of disastrous IVF attempts that failed to produce a hybrid House of Mountbatten embryo.
Looking pissed and facially spatchcocked, Camilla said things were far from rosy in the matrimonial department.
UK cops apparently confronted her soon after the hysterectomy with documentary proof that she was still married to Lord Levy, the blind trust portfolio bagman to Prime Monster Tony Blair who was arrested last year for selling peerages.
After three minutes of questioning Camilla caved in and agreed the talentless serial self-publicist Liz Hurley is her daughter by Levy and responsible for a spate of London bombings during the last years of the Thatcher Administration.
And the jewellery given to her by tinpot dictators in the Arabian Gulf? Bribes to keep quiet about the Qatari finance minister currently on a Central London property buying binge that cops are using to corral him into bankruptcy.
As she sits in the bedroom of the ancestral Scottish pile where she is technically under house arrest sipping Bally Piss Adder single malt by the bucketfull, her lawyers are spelling out the grim relaities that give two choices.
A loaded revolver in the bedside cabinet conveniently has exactly two bullets.