Unlucky Gambler Loses House Playing Monoploy As Dice Refuse To Roll

Written by Edward O'Neill

Tuesday, 6 March 2007

image for Unlucky Gambler Loses House Playing Monoploy As Dice Refuse To Roll
Who would have thought?

Fifty- seven year old Malcolm Griffin from Wakefield in Yorkshire has, today, been dubbed, by gamblers across the nation: 'the most unlucky punter to have placed a wager since Nick Leeson'.

Griffin, a semi- retired milkman and father of twelve, started gambling at the age of eleven months when he, and the other infants in his nursery, played 'Russian Roulette' each day at feeding time. "One of the bottles had a leaking nipple" explained Griffin "whichever one of us was given it, on a day, ended up with a face full of warm milk. It was terrifying but I think it's what first gave me the gambling bug".

A series of bans from racecourses, casinos and even amusement arcades meant that Griffin, like so many others, had to take his addiction underground. In 1986 he and a friend founded S.M.P.G.C (Secret Monopoly Players Gambling Club).

"We only play with real money" sobbed Griffin "There's a big scene around here if you know where to find it". He then went on to describe a series of circumstances that conspired against him eventually causing him to lose his house:

"I only had one property left -Old Kent Road- Now, that's only worth £60 flippin' quid in this game; I was mortgaged up to the hilt and, as you can imagine, in this game it means real mortgages; I was playing, for real, with my own house and a couple of flats I own in Blackpool. Anyway, I'm the car token and I'm sitting on Marlborough St, I roll one of the dice and get a five. That was great news since it meant that any number (1-6 on the standard dice he was using) that I got, on my next throw, would leave me in safe territory".

Griffin couldn't have anticipated what was to happen as he threw the second die. In what almost constitutes a breach in the natural, physical laws of the universe, the die stopped on its edge between the numbers one, six, three and five. This, of course, doesn't count since the rules of all gambling activities state that the die must land flush on one of its faces. Griffin explained what this meant in terms of the progress of the game:

"The second [die] didn't count so that made my total score five; moving five places put me on bloody Park Lane which had a fricking hotel on it; that cleaned me out rendering me houseless both in the game and in real life. If it wasn't for that pesky physics defying die I'd, at least, have still've had Old Kent Road, in the game, and at least enough for a bag of chips, in real life".

A clearly disorientated, confused Griffin then asked TheSpoof reporter, Fred Heart, if he had any Get Out of Jail Free cards that he could give to the bailiffs waiting outside.


The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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