Suicidal Nutter jumps off Beachy Head and survives!

Funny story written by Jaggedone

Monday, 19 October 2020

image for Suicidal Nutter jumps off Beachy Head and survives!
Don't copy ol' Jo unless you're wearing an ageing trenchcoat!

Ageing Jo Johnson, a 69-year-old pensioner from Erith, Kent, was so pissed off with Covid, Brexit, Manchester United losing, and Jose Mourinho's constant whingeing, he decided enough was enough.

Last Sunday evening, he left his humble abode, a 40-square-meter pokey flat on the 13th floor of a high-rise block, and bee-lined for Beachy Head with a CD of Quadrophenia playing on his mobile, very ancient CD player, plus ear-plugs.

A northwest wind picked up, and it started to rain, so he wore his ageing trenchcoat, not wanting to be found naked on the rocks below. After downing a bottle of whisky, he looked down at the raging waves crashing into the chalky cliffs, and thought, "better now than never!" So, he jumped!

Normally, suicidal people jumping off Beachy Head have no chance, but ol' Joe had an angel perched on his shoulder, and his trenchcoat that gave him wings! He dropped downwards, then a gust of wind flew into his coat, and he started hovering out to sea thinking, "Am I in heaven or still in hell?"

The captain of a passing French fishing boat, still legally fishing in EU, not British, waters, looked above into the foreboding sky, and clocked ol' Joe! He nearly fainted, alerted his crew, and they managed to catch Joe in a French fishnet sprawled out on deck.

They took Joe back to Calais, where local newspapers rapidly put this astonishing story on their front page, and French TV offered Joe the possibility to film his story, because anything to bite back at Brexit BOJO is great news in Europe!

Joe survived, and is now residing in a luxury apartment in Calais with a bottle or two of finest French Bordeaux. He has vowed never to return to the UK. The Daily Mail and Express declined to print the story because they only tell 'porky pies' and this story is true reality, something they would never ever print.

Warning: Never believe what you read on The Spoof, but there's always a backbone of truth hidden somewhere between the lines!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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