Ralph Fiennes: The English Passenger On Qantas

Funny story written by K.C. Bell

Friday, 16 February 2007

image for Ralph Fiennes: The English Passenger On Qantas
Hi, there!

It's anyone's random guess what actually occurred, as no one else was present except the two in question, but apparently Royal Shakespeare actor Ralph Fiennes followed a flight attendant into the airplane loo for whatever, and an investigation similar to the Spanish Inquisition followed.

Certainly, it may have been totally acceptable behavior both parties failed to share with passengers and flight crew, but nosey old Qantas feels otherwise, and the flight attendant has been put on suspension.

It isn't as though the plane went down or anyone was subsequently served cold coffee, tea or warm milk. The flight from Australia to India landed on schedule. So what's the beef?

Simply view this long suffering actor's recent history. In film, The English Patient, Ralph left his squeeze, Kirsten Scott Thomas, not in an airplane loo, but a cave with a broken ankle, promising to get back to her. He instead was arrested by British Intelligence, who demonstrated little intelligence and many short comings. As Count Laszlo de Almasy, Ralph ends up chained to a jail train, getting free on the pretense of using the loo, (mind you, the loo again) is burned to a crispy won ton in a plane crash, rescued by Bedouins, and dies somewhere in Italy with Juliette Binoche administrating an overdose, leaving Kirsten Scott Thomas buried in the desert. But Thomas resurfaces in the Horse Whisperer with Robert Redford.

"Somebody mention my name?"

Then the guy is in the Constant Gardener and marries radical talk machine, Rachel Weisz, who received an Academy Award for her performance, but manages to argue her way into an early grave, fingered by Bill Nighy, who was such a good guy in Love Actually and Girl In The Cafe, but a bureaucratic creep here, and once more Ralph Fiennes goes the suicide route due to grief for the loss of messy, outspoken Rachel; who is in serious need of eyebrow tweezing. This man has suffered.

The flight attendant isn't complaining. But Qantas has an agenda: Got to get to the bottom of this. This after Rain Man's Dustin Hoffman pronounced Qantas the safest plane in the sky. Perhaps also the friendliest?

Recently, Elizabeth Hurley had an incident on British Air. Did British Air hand the pair parachutes and make them bail out? No. British Air's reaction was triumphant saying: It just goes to prove that our flat bed seats are the most comfortable and agreeable in the sky. Or something like that.

Strands of Sibelius.

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The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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