Remote Scottish island misses visitors during lockdown

Funny story written by Sir Geoffroy Cockface

Sunday, 26 April 2020

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The peaceful island of Bunn is not mentioned in any tourist guide

The remote Scottish island of Bunn receives few visitors, but those who do come are guaranteed a warm welcome. Many such island communities depend on tourism, and are struggling under the current coronavirus lockdown.

"The government has told us that we all need to make sacrifices," said local Mayor Fingal Burns. "But we literally cannot do that without a visitor."

The island was the inspiration behind the film "The Wicker Man", but residents resent the connection. "That moving picture was very insulting," said Burns. "As if we would have so much wicker as to build such a structure. These days, when we build it, it's usually out of styrofoam."

"Also, it isn't a man at all, more like a god. It's very offensive to show one of our gods in moving picture houses. No, we don't talk about the Wicker Man here on Bunn. Except when we're actually building a wicker man."

The Mayor spoke about how the island way of life was not so different from elsewhere. "Over there on the mainland, you use pictures of your Queen as currency, and you sit down to evacuate your stools. Here we clothe young male visitors in dresses - hence why we got the name the he-brides - and we sacrifice them in a fertility rite. It's basically the same as your queer customs really."

Local priest, Geoff Burns, preaches in the parish of St Lucifer's, perhaps one of the most unusual churches in the UK. The steeple was built upside-down, and stone reliefs on the walls depict crowds of rabbits crucifying Jesus while cheering his death, before eating him.

"Aye, tis true, Christianity never really fit in here," said the priest. "But we pretend as best we can."

He added, "We don't always burn a big idol. This year, we've prepared a bathtub full of parsnips to drown a man in, in the hope that it will improve our harvest in the autumn. We're particularly hoping for a bountiful crop of parsnips, as we're currently seeing a shortage of them."

This Spoof journalist was invited to stay another night on Bunn, but had to decline, as the ferry only comes once a week. As I write this, the ferry has been delayed due to a rabbit clogging the engine. It looks like I may need to stay after all.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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