Written by Backandtotheleft

Sunday, 11 March 2018

Captain Bellend himself, Philip Hammond, has said “we’re not out of the woods yet” in reference to austerity. The policy that has been condemned by governments all over the world and is killing off the weakest of our population.

Philip Said:

Although we’ve cut nearly every public service we can we still believe there’s more we can get rid of. I mean does the North of England even really need electricity? They could easily keep all their food outside instead of in a fridge it’s cold enough!

He laughed heartily at his own joke.

Asked about what positive effects austerity had brought he went on to say:

The good thing about austerity is although I say were all in it together, austerity hasn’t affected me or my family at all. We’ve managed to heroically keep MPs wages rising throughout these difficult times and not curbed our expenses one bit.

Now we’re little more than a couple of drunks with a glue problem but more austerity coupled with a good hard Brexit smashing our economy even harder sounds like a stupid idea.

Phil rounded off with:

There’s light at the end of the tunnel!

In our experience that light just means someone’s set the fucking bins on fire. You can only hope cunts like Hammond and his ilk choke to death at a fancy restaurant

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Topics: Austerity

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
49 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more