Written by Backandtotheleft

Saturday, 3 March 2018

Austria is generally remembered for giving us Hitler. On a local scale that’s like everyone knowing your restaurant gave the local synchronised swimming team the shits before the big final.

The pool was never the same again.

However an Austrian court has decreed that Austrians can “swear and make obscene gestures” towards politicians. They made the ruling after a far right politician complained of people being rude to him.

The judge said:

“Fuck off you jumped up NAZI wannabe. People can say what the fuck they want to stains like you and your ilk now get the fuck out of my sight before I get cancer”

With this ruling in mind we asked several prominent writers at Back and to the Left News what they would say to certain politicians if the same ruling was enforced in England.

Michael Gove: “Oi you with the face of a ulcer covered bladder! Yeah you you’ve got the lips of a lama rapist and the breath of dog that eats it’s own shits. You’re such a toxic, festering slug turd that if you got AIDS the virus would reject you.

Teresa May: “You’re so pointless if you killed yourself by asphyxiation from engine exhaust fumes it would be a waste of fumes. You look like a vulture who preys on the souls of the emotionally disabled, a being who sustains on carrion and misery. Both of which you revel in like a pig in shit.”

Jeremy Hunt: “If cancer had a face it would adopt yours, there’s a lot of similarities between yourself and a tumour. However a tumour clearly gives more of a shit about human life than you do. How you’re able to function when EVERY SINGLE PERSON in the country hates you is quite admirable because we wouldn’t be able to get out of bed. You have the same level of self awarement of a used condom and the hugibility of hepatitis C.”

Boris Johnson: “You’re a clear racist who hides it behind baffoonerary. When you die they’ll have to dig two graves. One for you and one for the legion of bad ideas that you crap out like a badger dying of cholera. You’ve got all the charm of a leering, drunk rugby fan who’s just watched England at “Twickkers” and is now eying up the 15 year old Polish waitress.”

Jacob-Rees Mogg: “Fuck off you cunt you’re not even real”

We would go on but we think you get the picture

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Conservative




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