Proctologist to the stars, Harvey Whiffstein says he faces a 'gaping hole' in his life after being struck off by the British Medical Council.
Dr Whiffstein, who has spent 30 years staring down the ringpieces of the rich and famous, was said to be gutted at yesterdays decision.
The proctologist was charged with bringing the medical profession into disrepute after a series of botched operations, performed under the influence of alcohol.
Police investigating the doctor say that at least three high profile celebrities were maimed and one senior ranking Royal was left with her 'arse in tatters'.
Dr Whiffstein's dodgy practice in Harley Street, London was uncovered when diminutive pop star Prince blew the whistle, following a painful eight hour operation to get rid of piles.
"Me bumgrapes had been giving me a bit of gip for a while," said the 3'2" rocker, writer of such hits as 'Kiss' and 'Purple Rain', "So when Bruce Springsteen told me about Dr Whiffstein, I decided to give it a go."
What the midget rock and roller did not realise at the time, was that his life would soon be changed forever.
"By the time I reached Whiffstein's, my ring was on fire coz I'd gone down there on my motorbike. You know the one I had in 'Purple Rain'? Anyway, I gets in there and this geezer tells me to drop my bags and touch my toes."
No stranger to this scenario, Prince complied and allowed Dr Whiffstein to have a good rummage about in his back passage.
"It was fuckin' murder." said Prince, "And then he said I'd need immediate surgery."
During the eight hour surgery it became obvious that Whiffenstein was under the influence of alcohol.
"I've never felt pain like it," said Prince, "And all through it he was swigging from a hip flask and singing 'Raspberry Beret'. Now, to add insult to injury, every time I do that song live I get a pain in the arse."
Now, three months after the botched surgery, Prince's rectum is still not completely healed.
"One cheek is higher than the other and my ringpeice is all lopsided, " he sighed, "worse than that, it looks like I will be forced to sit on a rubber ring for the remainder of my life."
