It's that time of year again folks when ITV, having trawled umpteen nationwide casting agencies sign up an assortment of nondescript-would-be-celebrities and allow them to jet off to the land of Oz for a few weeks to fornicate with each other.
Yes, once again they bring you "I'm A Would-be-Celebrity and desperately Need the Work. Ironically the initials I-A-W-B-C-A-D-N-T-W spell out a little used Aboriginal word which, when roughly translated means, 'we are all oxygen bandits' albeit neither ITV bosses nor Michael Caine know that!
As usual, retired Australasian philantropissed ("too right cobber") and champion sheep shagger 1967-2014 one, Anton Dec, will be on hand to oversee events and bore any potential viewers totally shitless with his tales of derring-do in various Australian brothels and bars once he is well pissed.
Having tidied up the studio 'jungle set' in readiness for our hapless 'tourists' and purchased a few more realistic bits of 'bush' from Kmart Australia the remaining budget allows for the purchase of a few quite tasty, edible grubs which are considered delicacies by most indigenous Australians. Much the same as half-starved poverty stricken pommie bastards stuff themselves with shit such as, Tesco own brand foods and KFC greasy chicken innards in a stale bun!
Vying for best 'tits n' arse' in a micro bikini under a man-made waterfall this year, will be surgically enhanced Playboy bunny and all around boiler, Kendra Wilkinson, well known in the trade for having more suction than a Dyson. Other would be tit n' arse contenders include, Nadia Forde an ex-Irish barmaid and would be singer renown in Dublin for her 'grip when pulling one', Mel Sykes who is a recovering Boddingtons Ale junkie and quality MILF, fearsome TOWIE lardarse Gemma Collins who, from early reports, already has quite a stash of 'bush tucker' secreted in her knickers and last but not least Vicki Michelle ex-'Allo Allo! totty who, at 63, still has the power to instantly cure erectile dysfunction in males over the age of 60!
Meanwhile, the male contenders-if one can call them that-include some galah with a name resembling a medical complaint Tinchy Stryder (?), pisshead supreme Craig Charles 50 going on 70, elder brother of lead singer from Creedence Clearwater Revival one, Carl Fogerty, failed female impersonator and all around weed Jimmy Bullard, unseen unless he wears a big hat and last but not least the aptly named Michael Buerk.
ITV insiders are hoping for a bit of geriatric 'rusty trombone' between Mike and Michelle once the show gets underway as it is rumoured that Michelle has all but healed up down under due to lack of use. It is also hoped that Tinchy may attempt to infiltrate Gemma's nether regions and to this event he has been issued a pith helmet, torch, shears and emergency food rations in case he gets lost in there.
The remaining tit n' arse trio, Mel, Nadia and Kendra will be put on a rotating 'shower' roster during weekend episodes and urged to flash a nip or two in order to boost ever flagging ratings and it is further predicted that either Craig, Carl or Jimmy will 'come out' during the series especially during the 'three in one sleeping bag' trial. Minders will be on hand in case the lads get too carried away inside the bag!
As usual, a bemused Anton Dec will while away the long evenings with a steady supply of Castlemaine liquid gold as frankly, he does not give a XXXX about any of this shit as long as he gets paid.