The British Home Secretary announced today, that after years of political correctness, a new approach to policing was needed because his police officers were afraid to go out onto the streets.
"This sorry state of affairs has occurred because of positive discrimination," he explained.
"In the good old days officers had to meet strict height limits and pass rigorous physical and mental examinations, but now we recruit purely on the basis of sexuality, race and political expediency," he added.
As a consequence Britain's police force comprises a bunch of small, thick and totally ineffective officers who get upset when criminals call them names. The thugs also commit crimes under their noses because they know they will not be arrested. This is clearly violating their human rights and it is feared that the Politically Correct Federation of Police Officers will take their case to the European Court Of Human Rights and be awarded billions of pounds in damages.
Mr Reid announced a new set of initiatives that would solve Britain's crime epidemic and would allow his police officers to be kept safely inside police stations. These innovative proposals include issuing criminals with drugs and giving them use of police cars to distribute them to their clients.
Another 'blue sky' measure is to issue sweets to young thugs and treat them to free meals at McDonald's. This follows on from previous initiatives such as sending young offenders on African safaris, which proved to be hugely popular.
Meanwhile, the British Prime Minister insisted that the streets were safe. "The problem with this country is that the media reporters have been appointed purely on the basis of colour, sex and political beliefs," he stated.
They are deliberately exaggerating the level of crime and violence and are clearly making these stories up because we all know that they never leave their newspaper offices for fear of being assaulted on the streets.
"In Britain we are all victims," he wept in a non-confrontational, politically correct, ministerial way.