Gardeners up and down the country are on high alert due to the annual predation of daffodils by scroats planning to 'delight' their mothers.
Supermarkets yesterday reported selling out of Red Bull, torch batteries and high-power water pistols (normally seasonal items for squirting the kids in summertime or neighbours' cats' bumholes).
So far police have reported a quiet night as switchboard operators have treated all 999 calls with the contempt they probably deserve. "50% of all calls on Mother's Day Eve are due to gardening misdemeanors, so the odds are that it is better to just yank the phone jack out of the switch. Otherwise look at all the mums that will be disappointed"
Local garages are doing a roaring trade in having their buckets of sad-looking chrysanths kicked over and grainy footage of little shits legging it with the contents.
More soon, as we get it.
