Written by Matt Brown

Sunday, 21 October 2012

image for Big turnout for people who are voting about the general issues in their country and the parties who are contesting for power.
''Moments before Ted the vengeful manhole swallowed up Mrs Sutherskill''

A general erection today for everybody in Britain, and what a big one it was with hundreds of inhabitants turning out in their thousands to vote on the important issues of today. As it were there was a landslide for the nutty natters over 90's nudist conquer colony. The giant soil creep meant a third term in office for the nut crazy nonagenarian's. However the unfortunate event did result in instant death (2 seconds or your money back) for 217 of their voters as when on their way to the polling station, a giant hole leaped out from nowhere and they were swallowed into the fiery depths below. A truly unsurprising event as the high-rollers usually considered the hole and other holes to be beneath them and they wouldn't ordinarily drop down to their level. But after years of being avoided, covered up and generally looked down upon with scorn these ghastly gaps decided enough was enough.

The Teeny Weeny Eenie Meanie Mini Moaning Minor Mining Society lead by Mostly Mavis Havers lost out on what would have their first ever erection win. The defeated party had had their canvassing tactics questioned throughout their campaign. Carrying dirty pitchforks and revving their tractor engines outside residents houses at 2am will probably go down as one of the worst PR moves in the history of their party. Lord Havers seemed to take umbrage with the outcome and demanded an immediate recount but with the country having sold its calculator to Belize to help fund aid in Belize, Havers would have to instead content herself with scrubbing down auntie's nasal hairs every Friday.

Recent events in Belize such as the national Santa Slay, cliff dash and bumblebee egg and spoon race have left the country bankcorrupt. However by far and away the biggest blow to the country's finances has been when the Loch Ness monster got drunk one night from too much horse tranquillizers and G&T moth balls and accidentally went haywire.

People attempted to scare her off by taking photographs but she just 'went mad and started smashing everything up'. One witness at the scene mentioned how out of character this was for Nessy but that sooner rather than never he hoped that she'd go back to not ever existing and that. Reflecting on how bad things have gotten in his country the man broke down in tears and said 'we have to brush our teeth with hedgehogs, hedgehogs we need for military protection'. 'Now when we are finished with them we are told to just toss them in a heap somewhere'.

The leader of the conquer club, 'thank you please' Harold McSieveknees, is tonight due at the Royal Chocolate Biscuit Cake Hall to accept the hand of Sir Tim Limbless. The hand of limbless has been carefully preserved in Beetle juice since its last outing for the medal ceremony of successfully escaped prisoners in 69'. Addressing his audience he seemed to have but not a karaoke in the worm. He let voters know that his policies would be as 'free-range' as possible, meaning that he could alter them in any way he sees fit. After his tiny peach he gracefully stumbled towards Sir Tim Limbless and gave him a giant kiss and a look that could only say 'you're not my wife'.

Reaction to the party's victory has been vociferously incoherent. Some politely coloured commontatoes had their own pointless say on the matter. Always witty Joe Cocklepicker of the daily broken record, in his column 'you know I'm always right' commented that 'if it ain't broke don't break it and then try and stick it back together again with prit-stick and masking tape because it will just look a complete mess and really stand out like a sore thumb'. 'I give this erection 11 out of 3'. 'School report would say 'could do better'.

Hardly heard Herb who as his name would suggest is so deaf his opinions can barely be heard had nothing but praise for his one time captors. 'I'll always remember when they named that bus stop after me, it was the proudest moment of my life'.

Now we wait with smelly but baited breath for the next erection in 10 years. In the meantime we'll pass the time by talking about frosty the chocolate snowman and his recent misdemeanors in the wine cellars of some very important dignitaries.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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