Burnley Apache Chief Cleared Of Animal Cruelty Charges

Funny story written by Skoob1999

Saturday, 25 August 2012

image for Burnley Apache Chief Cleared Of Animal Cruelty Charges
Geoff Tattersall Recites The 'Scalp A Paleface' Prayer

Well known Burnley Apache Native American Tribe Chief, Geoff Tattersall was completely exonerated of animal cruelty charges by Lord Chief Justice Ken Mither this morning at Burnley Crown Court.

Tattersall, who appeared in court under his real name, and not his assumed Apache Chief name, Broken Wing, had elected for trial by jury, after being charged with animal cruelty, following a police raid on his address, during which, a blackbird's wing, a crow's foot, and a fox's brush were found pinned to a home made totem pole in Tattersall's spare bedroom.

After being detained for questioning by the Burnley Police, Tattersall was adamant that he hadn't harmed any animals, and that he'd 'found' the wing, foot, and brush in the street, and imagined that they'd 'look a treat' on his home made totem pole.

Under cross examination by Eric Ramsbottom QC, Tattersall claimed that he was a full blooded Apache, and claimed that pinning bits of dead animals to home made totem poles in the spare bedroom was an intrinsic component of his chosen faith of 'Apacheism'. He claimed that he had never harmed an animal in his life, with the possible exception of a mongrel puppy he'd owned as a child - when he'd rubbed its nose in its own dirt, to teach it a lesson about 'shitting on the carpet.'

"Did you then go on to kill the puppy, and nail its remains to your home made totem pole in the spare bedroom?" the prosecution demanded.

"No Sir. I was ten years old, and not yet an Apache. I believe that back then I was A Roman Catholic," Tattersall responded.

"As a Roman Catholic, did you ever sacrifice a lamb? Or pull an animal's teeth out with a pair of pliers?" the prosecutor pressed.

"I was only ten Sir, and I didn't have any pliers with which to pull teeth. The pliers were kept in my father's toolbox and it was locked at all times. Except on bank holidays."

"Did you ever poke another person or animal in the eye? With malicious intent?" the prosecutor continued.

"Objection!" came the response from defence council, Arthur Wayne QC.

At which point, Judge Mither interrupted proceedings.

"It's all bollocks is this," Judge Mither ruled. "It's a scandalous waste of public funds! Have you nowt better to fucking do? Case dismissed!"

Outside, on the court steps, dressed in full Apache regalia, and smoking a peace pipe, Geoff Tattersall told reporters:

"This is a victory for common sense, and for Apaches the world over. I was only converted to Apacheism after the second wife run off with a drag performer from Preston. But I'm dead devout me. I'm a proper Apache. I dress up like this every day, not just on weekends and holidays. This is my life. I even slice the spuds up to make chips with me tomahawk. That's what being an Apache is all about."

"I 'ope tha 'as proper gravy wi' them chips!" shouted Judge Mither as he left the building.

More as we get it.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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