Clean Sweep For Police At Dorking Summer Festival

Funny story written by Ellis Ian Fields

Thursday, 12 July 2012

image for Clean Sweep For Police At Dorking Summer Festival
Taking care of the opposition?

Dorking Police's amateur hobbyists were celebrating yesterday after sweeping the board at the town's Annual Festival.

The force's enthusiasts picked up the top gongs in contests for painting, photography, acting, gardening... you name it: if there was a prize for it, it went to a copper.

Dorking Town Hall was filled to the rafters for the annual festival's closing event, the prize-giving party on Saturday. Over the previous month, locals had braved the weather to take part in all manner of contests from painting landscapes to full-scale amateur theatrical productions.

The local police were at the centre of controversy earlier in the summer when they arrested groups of people many considered to be their chief rivals in the various competitions.

Head of Dorking Central Division, Chief Supt Jane Tennison, was full of praise for her officers.

She wrote: "Well done to all our amateur arts and craftsmen and women! They've really got involved in the community and shown the human face of Dorking police.

"It is unfortunate that so many friendly rivals were implicated in illegal activities, but I'm sure Dorking's officers won fair and square."

As reported by EIF News & Features earlier this summer police dug up Colin and Beryl handset's garden hunting for human remains in a murder inquiry; raided photographer Tobias Credible's studio for pornography; impounded Grenville Parapet's prize racing pigeons Chuck and Yeager, suspected of drug smuggling; arrested the entire cast of Dorking Amateur Players' Shakespeare cycle of Richard II and Henry IV parts I & II while investigating human trafficking; and confiscated work by Dorking & District Fine Arts Club and arrested members on suspicion of currency counterfeiting.

"It is now clear that we will not be proceeding against anyone arrested in the run-up to the festival," Ch Supt Tennison added.

Those results in full:

Dorking Summer Blooms, overall winner - Incapability Green (Dorking CID)

Dorking Photographic Pageant, best portfolio - Ford Snowdon (Dorking CID).

Dorking Pigeon Fanciers' Blue Riband - Will Boddie (Dorking Traffic Division).

Dorking & District Amateur Theatre Festival, best production - When Did You Last See Your Trousers, performed by Dorking Police Players, directed by CS Helen Midden.

Dorking Annual Fine Art Fair, best display - Claude Monnay, Dorking Police Impressionism Soc.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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