Shocker! Queen on Diamond Jubilee Celebrations - 'What a bloody let down'

Funny story written by shufflewick71

Wednesday, 6 June 2012


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'One more Pimms and one will spew'

Well, as the Queen's Diamond Jubilee celebrations gently wind to a close across the nation, and Cliff Richard gets put back in his box until Wimbledon, shocking news reaches us here in 'newsland' of Her Majesty's verdict on the long weekend's events, and it appears - despite the gushing speeches - one is not entirely amused.

On the hush-hush, several 'close acquaintances' of Ma'am have spoken of her disappointment at some very glaring omissions, and other observations made by our Monarch that, and we quote, 'Got right on her pip'.

One particular guest, present on the Royal barge 'The Spirit of Chartwell' on Sunday, who shall remain nameless (Prince Harry) said:

' Oh ya, the 'Old Bird' was none too pleased, I must say. She said if she ever saw another bloody Union Jack she would jump in Old Father Thames, never mind travel up it. She also complained that she has necked so much ruddy Pimms that even Boris Johnson is appearing mightily attractive.'

Much press coverage was given to Her Majesty's donning of ear plugs during the Jubilee Concert on Monday, and speculation was that the Monarch's delicate hearing needed protecting from sound levels, however, we can exclusively reveal the ACTUAL reasons behind the 'lug pluggers'

'Granny didn't want a barful of Elton John to be honest. She said that 'the Nag's head in Stepney was missing it's pub pianist, and that one old Queen at the Jubilee was more than enough.'

'She was also unimpressed that Tom Jones didn't 'give me a bit of Sex Bomb', as she was 'hoping to round off the day with a bit of good, old fashioned crotch action'.

In a damage limitation attempt, Daphne Plum-Bagger, the Queen's Chief Press Officer, made a statement this afternoon:

'Her Majesty was thrilled and flattered by the Nation's felicitations and congratulations during this momentous weekend. Any reports to the contrary are scurrilous and incorrect.'

Palace insiders say that 'Truth is, we are polishing up her wellies as we speak, which will be firmly lodged up Prince Harry's arse by this evening.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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