Boris Johnson conducts Philharmonic Orchestra

Funny story written by IainB

Monday, 28 May 2012

image for Boris Johnson conducts Philharmonic Orchestra
Boris finds his natural element

Because he is London Mayor, Boris Johnson was invited to conduct the London Philharmonic Orchestra this week. Ordinarily, he wouldn't be allowed to wield a sharp stick, however, his vaulted position meant that he was allowed to fulfil his childhood dream.

"It was bloody marvellous," he said afterwards.

He had been asked to conduct his favourite piece, Beethoven's Fifth Symphony.

"I just love the booms," Johnson said. "I quite often conduct that piece in my classical music listening room. My wife's cleared that room of everything breakable, so it's perfect for arm waving."

The orchestra was less than impressed.

"He was all over the place," said Violet Bassoon, lead flautist. "He'd point at the woodwind section when he should have been pointing at the timpani."

Fortunately, it was the last piece of the performance, as during the arm waving, Johnson managed to stab Gavel Hydrogenate, renowned classical conductor, in the eye with the baton.

"It was painful, most painful," said Hydrogenate. "The doctors say that some vision will return, but I'll never properly see the string section again."

Although the orchestra did their best to keep up with Johnson's frantic arm waving, three of the woodwind section had to be taken to the infirmary suffering from hyperventilation, and the lead violinist sawed right through her Stradivarius.

"The worst casualty had to be cellist Sandra de Colletage," said event organiser, Kristov Gesoos, who had arranged for Johnson to take charge of the rousing final piece, and has to take some of the blame. "She was doing her best to keep up, but her frantic see-sawing motion resulted in giving herself a mastectomy!"

Lady Bejewelled was the only audience member to full appreciate Johnson's vigour and enthusiasm.

"It was fantastic," she said, with a broad smile. "My husband laughed so hard he had a heart attack, leaving me an outstandingly wealthy widow. Brilliant. I'll be taking my next husband to watch any other performances he does. Who is he again?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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