Titchfield - Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, a former Dorking resident and unemployed pipe bender, today apparently went a bit mad, following a sudden rush of blood to the head, and went on a shopping trip he could ill afford, returning three hours later with seventy six pairs of shoes that don't fit him.
Long suffering wife, Anne, a keen taxidermist, could only look on in amazement as Shuttlecock arrived back at the family residence with the seventy six shoeboxes in three taxis.
"He told me that when he got to the taxi rank in town, he couldn't fit all his shopping into the one taxi, so he got two extra taxis to follow the first taxi with the rest of the shoes," Anne explained.
Further investigations revealed that Shuttlecock - a size 10 shoe wearer - had bought the seventy six pairs of shoes in every size barring a size ten.
One neighbour, who witnessed Shuttlecock showing off his shoe haul, described how Shuttlecock had purchased a diverse collection of footwear, including brogues, Oxfords, loafers, trainers, steel toe-capped work shoes, desert wellies, wedges, platforms, hob nailed boots, flip flops, a leg of lamb and three cases of strong Belgian lager.
Upon returning home and unpacking his booty, Shuttlecock opened a can of Belgian beer, ate a piece of cod, belched, farted, and smiled at his long suffering wife and confused grandchildren before announcing that he was going for a nap.
"He seemed alright this morning," a puzzled Anne told reporters. "Sometimes it can be a tad difficult to assess his moods, but I really fail to understand why he would buy seventy six pairs of shoes that don't fit him. I mean, some of the shoes are quite nice, but it all seems a bit pointless if they don't fit. I know that for some obscure reason he thinks the number seventy six is somehow hilarious, so that probably explains why he bought seventy six pairs of shoes. But why he spent three thousand two hundred and seventy six pounds and seventy six pence on shoes that don't fit him is anybody's guess. At the end of the day, I can only conclude that it's because he really is a daft bastard."
Hampshire Constabulary are reported to be keeping a watchful eye on Shuttlecock.
More as we get it.
