Rape Of Hampshire - It's A Conspiracy Says Local Man

Funny story written by Ellis Ian Fields

Tuesday, 7 February 2012

image for Rape Of Hampshire - It's A Conspiracy Says Local Man
Is Hampshire safe?

A local man claims there is a conspiracy to make the county of Hampshire disappear from the map.

His claim follows an episode of the BBC programme Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is today.

In the show, pairs of antiques experts compete to buy and sell items for charity. Their first task each week is to buy their goods from a car boot sale.

David Harper and James Braxton found themselves in Ringwood and at the start of the show Harper said: "Well here we are in Ringwood in Dorset."

A horrified Mr John Jellicoe, 45, of Balaclava Gardens, who says he is no relation to the celebrated Admiral of the Fleet and latterly First Sea Lord, called EIF News & Features to complain.

"It's a conspiracy is what it is," Mr Jellicoe said. "It began with that bloody Redcliffe-Maud report and the reorganisation of local government in 1974 when the bastards stole Bournemouth and gave it to Dorset.

"Then I was at a presentation a few weeks ago when a company director referred to Beaulieu and said it was in Dorset. I always thought it was in Hampshire - and it was when I went to the motor museum with my auntie Maureen years ago - but why would a company director lie?

"Now this afternoon that antiques wallah says Ringwood's in Dorset. What's going on? Why are the authorities trying to get rid of Hampshire? We should be told."

A spokesman for the Department of Counties said, a bit too shiftily if you ask us: "Er no, that's bollocks, that is. We love Hampshire... doesn't everyone? Well not Southampton, of course, but Portsmouth and Winchester and the rest are pretty ace."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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