"What A Carve Up!"

Funny story written by Herrdoktorfox

Monday, 21 November 2011


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SKY TV News cougar Kay Burley gets excited after hearing someone mention a 'big chopper!"

Regrettably, yet again (four) police officers have been stabbed while attempting to arrest a rather agitated, if not completely fucking loopy, nutter. The incident occurred in Kingsbury, Northwest London, on Saturday after a man had grabbed a knife from a Butcher's shop and "done a runner" down the High Street.

Witnesses described seeing four officers chase the fruit-loop down the street as he ran in and out of shops singing - 'catch me if you can I'm the gingerbread man' - before running into Ali Bombastics Halel Butchers shop and demanding a 'large chopper'.

At first Mr Bombastic was somewhat confused by the term 'big chopper' and initially attempted to direct the man to a nearby 24 hour sex shop. However, the (by now) doubly agitated man espied a large knife and ran out of Ali's shop at warp speed. Whereupon Mr Bombastic shouted out, "I'll be suing you, that was my best carver you bastard!"

Finally catching up with the man after breaking all known Olympic sprinting records, the four officers attempted to subdue him by way of asking him to, "put the knife down old chap, there's a good boy" and "what's troubling you old son, would you like a Big Mac and Fries to go?"

Rather than utilise batons to the kneecaps,tazer to the chest or a plain old kick in the bollocks with a pair of size 9 steel toe capped boots the totally PC PC's duly minced around like morris dancers hoping they could talk the man into submission rather than face charges of GBH to an innocent, until proven insane, knife wielding fruit-loop.

In the event a peaceful settlement was not to be as the budding Jack the Ripper lashed out left and right resulting in a 4-0 win to the man and four serious injured officers destined for long-term sick leave at taxpayers expense.........evenin' all!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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