The (Garry) Cooke, The Email, The Defender, His Mother

Funny story written by Not The Nine O'clock News

Saturday, 10 September 2011


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Official!! Garry Cook cannot use Microsoft Outlook

Gaffe Prone CEO Garry Cook finally ends his own torture as his resignation is accepted by a reluctant Manchester City Board.

Although City have certainly upped their game on the field in recent years, much has been made of the problems off the field, including bust-ups between players, unsettled strikers, Uefa's Financial Fair Play regime which seems to have Manchester City slap bang in the middle of their radar and now the email to a players cancer stricken mother.

The disclosure that Cook had planned to send an email to Brian Marwood, which seemed to poke fun at Nedum Onuoha's mother, which was also sent to her by mistake, led to an Internal investigation by the club. Cook initially stated his account was hacked, but unbeknown to the board, Cook, in a desperate race to save his job and in his own inimitable style, enlisted the help of LulzSec Security the International Hacking Group to prove his innocence.

Discarding professionalism once again, and with a Richard Keys style of blokey chat, he contacted the group by IRC nervously begging and finally offering money to them, to say it was they who sent the Email to Mrs Onuoha.

Sympathetically, Lulzec, who are Man City Season Ticket holders from Stockport and known for 'avin a laugh at anyone's expense' offered to help Mr Cook. Further chat flew between the parties as did several thousand pounds to the hacktivists Post Office account on Bramhall Lane. Once they got the money, Lulzec posted a message on Pastebin, a well known online tool for hacking groups to divulge their latest hacking successes.

It Read as follows - Ahoy Landlubbers, the Good Ship Lulz sails into the www Harbour again, bringing you details of our hacking of mcfc emails. We can confirm that it was Mr Cook who sent the email to Mrs Onuoha We took him, and threw him on the GROOUUUNNDD - hahahahaha. MU-MUF-MUFC-OK!

Cook was furious and demanded to know what was going on, only to be told that they themselves were not the real Lulzec Security group, but none other than arch rivals Anonymous, the other well known International hacking group, who are conveniently for the NTNON reporter, all Man Utd fans from Salford.

Not only had Anonymous betrayed the hapless Cook, the plan was also thwarted by none other than Garry Mckinnon, the failed and famed NASA hacker, who since his rise to fame, has become a gloryhunting Man Utd fan and regularly eats prawn sandwiches on his Man Utd 4 Piece Dinner Set, watching MUTV with his SKYHD remote. Mckinnon, currently waiting to hear how long it will be before his back doors are ripped to shreds by a bunch of hairy arsed bearback riding transvestites in Americas dreaded penitentiaries, was secretly approached by none other than Ex man Utd players Brian Kidd and David Platt, both now on the coaching staff at Man City.

Mckinnon held an impromptu press conference in a secret hideaway at his mums house on the Isle of Skye "What A dickhead, the guy can't even use Microsoft Outlook. He cc'd Mrs Onuoha into the email like a div" The Board also confirmed that this was the case and that Mr Cook had never taken a Microsoft Outlook exam under his tenure, but had in typical Cook fashion, used Microsoft Money for MCFC's accounts system, leading to the UEFA allegations over fair play.

His time was finally over and his resignation letter was accepted in a flash by the City board but not without a further twist in true Cook style

"I'd like to thank the Manchester United....shit sorry Manchester City fans and board for all their help in this matter.........and there's one message for Lulzec/Anonymous, whoever you bottled it!!!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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