UPDATE: Fantasy owners BRING END to NFL negotiations w/ representation

Funny story written by Moustafa Rex

Saturday, 23 July 2011

image for UPDATE: Fantasy owners BRING END to NFL negotiations w/ representation
Willis Potrotzki, representative for the Fantasy Owners Association says he may lose as much as $50 because of lockout.

UPDATE: The 2011 fantasy football season will go on as scheduled, thanks to an agreement reached between players, owners and fantasy owners.

Fantasy Owners crashed the negotiations In Washington Sunday.

"It was the first serious and productive discussion about football that's taken place in Washington in more than a decade," Willis Potrotzki, spokesperson for the Fantasy Owners Association, said. "May God have mercy on Jack Kent Cooke's soul."

Fantasy owners demanded the two other sides to just get something done. The Fantasy Owners, who struck a deal with Nike athletic wear, just minutes before busting in on the negotiations, all wore matching "Just Do It 2011" athletic wear.

"We just laid it out there," Potrotzki said. "If you tool bags don't quit arguing over a couple of million dollars, when billions are coming in, and get this season started, we're moving our fantasy operation to Canada."

Studies have shown if Fantasy Football Owners would move their teams to Canada, the points totals would increase by 45 percent.

"Those kind of points create excitement," Potrotzki said.

The NFL's players were the first to side with fantasy owners.

"There's no way I can throw as many touchdowns as any of those CFL guys," Quarterback Peyton Manning said. "I'm the winningest quarterback in fantasy football today, and I can't let that kind of prestige slip away that easily."

Manning is in the midst of a hall-of-fame worthy streak, of being the quarterback of a championship team for 10 consecutive seasons.

"We draft Saturday," Potrotzki announced from the stage at the post-negotiation press-conference.

Washington Redskins Head Coach Mike Shanahan made a surprise appearance at the press conference to answer questions for both the players and the owners at the presser.

"We played a good game in there today. I'm proud of these men. They played hard, gave all they had, but it just wasn't their day," he said. "We take this one season at a time, negotiation by negotiation. We'll be better prepared next time. Today, I think we just got beat by a better management team. That's all I've got to say."

Practice for players start Monday.

Mock drafts begin Tuesday afternoon.

-Original Story-

Fantasy football owners marched Washington Sunday and demanded that both the NFL Owners and the NFL Players associations allow the Fantasy Association to have a say in agreement talks.

"Someone needs to go in there, get the ball rolling and get this deal done. We can't just sit by and wait any longer. This is affecting our ability to pursue happiness, and as US Citizens, it is our right to be able to pursue our friggin' happiness," Willis Potrotzki, spokesperson for the Fanatasy Owners Association.

Negotiations are expected to drag into the early week, but something must be decided by Wednesday, as at that point the pre-season is only 15 days away.

Should the first pre-season game be cancelled the owners would lose an estimated $101 million in revenues, the players to lose an estimated $98 million, and fantasy owners to lose valuable evaluation peeks at players still available on waivers after the draft.

"Seasons are won and lost on those first weeks of training camp and pre-season. Millions of dollars is on the line across the country, and these clowns are bickering like a bunch of teenage girls and suing each other in court," Potrotzki said.

The fantasy owners have not only millions of fantasy dollars, loads of self-esteem and prestige on the line, but they also sometimes have upwards of $20 in real-life money invested into a collective prize-money pot with nine other owners.

"Brady vs. The NFL? Please." Potrotzki said. "We don't need to get all Roe-v-Wade to get this solved. Just do it, and get Nike to sponsor it."

The NFL Players Association has sent a cease and desist order to the Fantasy Owners Association threatening legal action if any attempt to use their likenesses in the furtherance of both recreational and professional fantasy football is a violation of the law not only as it is written, but even as it is intended in spirit.

"We said all we needed to say in our correspondence," Attorney Jeffrey Kessler, said in representation of the players.

Attorneys for the owners also threatened legal action on the basis of trademark and copyright infringement against past league winners who profited from winnings in a collective pot that would not have been possible with the brand and image of the NFL.

"We're not going anywhere," Potrotzki said. "We have too much on the line, and have come too far to be bullied out of our basic rights as Americans. We deserve our football, and we believe we can lead this thing to a conclusion to make everyone happy."

The 12, and sometimes as many as 15, people who make up the fantasy owners' contingency say they are determined to camp here in the nation's capital through Wednesday, at which point, they claim they will consider implementing bolder tactics if the issue is still unresolved.

"We represent millions of players nationwide," Potrotzki said, "and if of those millions are still in search of a league of expert owners, I still need one more team in the 10-team Rot Rockers 55 Fantasy League 2011 to initiate our draft. Tweet me for info."


The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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