Written by El Capitaz

Saturday, 2 July 2011

image for Anger at LeBron James to blame for NBA lockout
A Miami Heat try-out...auditions for a fourth quarter performer

New York City - A confidential source close to National Basketball Association Commissioner David Stern reports that anger at LeBron "King" James was the  deciding factor in the decision to lock-out the players, endangering the upcoming season. 

According to a source, Mr. Stern held a meeting with key owners prior to announcing the  lockout. At the end of the meeting, a philosophical  Stern said:

"You know, when this league was formed, it was a beautiful thing. It was sport and entertainment. It was for everyone. Families, athletes, communities. But somewhere along the line we lost the way. When Latrell Spreewell beat and choked his coach, and all the players rallied to his aid, that was bad.

"The whole Isaiah Thomas era with the Knicks--Stephon Marbury and all that--it was embarrassing. But this LeBron character...he just takes the cake, ya know? We've created a monster. He thinks he's bigger than the game, better than the sport. It wouldn't be so bad if he could walk the walk. But he's a choker.

"If he was half as good as he thinks he is, he could have forced a game seven against The Mavs. He cost us a small fortune when he didn't. When a dog starts to bite the hand that feeds, it's time to put the bitch down. That's it. Lock 'em out boys!"

Some fans objected to comparing James with a dog. "They can't say that" squealed one little girl, wearing a Miami Heat LeBron James jersey several sizes too large for her. "He's King James! They're just jealous because he's better than everyone else!"

Most fans, however, seemed to agree with the commissioners' sentiments. One surprisingly articulate homeless man, wearing a tattered Julius Erving jersey, summed it up. "Damn straight. Let the self proclaimed King sit around for a year or two, start to perceive himself becoming ever more irrelevant by the day. Let him see his handlers and managers start to bleed him dry like a bunch of ticks on a hound. Maybe that will help him finally grow up, help him appreciate how fortunate he's been. Where does he think he'd be without the fans, without the owners, without professional sports? He'd be a bouncer in some club, or a bodyguard for some rapper."

As for LeBron himself, he is bound to have his own opinion. He's almost certainly tweeted that opinion. For the sake of balanced journalism, we really should present that opinion--but we find that we don't have enough energy to even read the 140 character manifesto. We just don't care.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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