Dateline 2105: Jerry Rice Announces Retirement From NFL

Funny story written by Jalapenoman

Saturday, 10 September 2005

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Jerry Rice announces his retirement after more than 120 years in football.

Dateline: 2105 Wide Receiver Jerry Rice announced his retirement today after playing for 120 years in the NFL for all 84 teams.

"It was a goal of mine to play for every team and to take them all into the playoffs. I wanted to retire a winner, and now is the right time since I just won my 53rd Super Bowl and first in four years."

Rice was tearful at the press conference where he announced his retirement from the offices of the Reno Roughriders, the last team in his quest to play for each of the existing squads.

"One of the biggest regrets of my career is never having played in Los Angeles. Of course, since the city has not had a team since the Rams left for St. Louis or the Raiders returned to Oakland, I never really got the chance. I was still catching passes for my original team, the 49ers, in those years. Since California also slid off into the ocean in 2080 and Arizona and Nevada are now the west coast, that also changed things."

"I guess another of my big regrets is that I never beat Cal Ripkin's streak for consecutive games. I'd have to play for another 250 years to do that, and I'm ready now to spend the time with my great great great grandchildren. I feel that I need to be a part of thier lives since I've missed out on so much the last four or five generations."

Rice owns every career record in the game, having started out as a wide receiver and kick returned before moving to defensive back. After that, he spent a few years as a quarterback and kicker before working as a running back. Full body reconstructive surgery allowed him to play as a lineman on both sides of the line and as a linebacker and tight end.

When asked about his other life goals besides spending time with his family, Rice expressed an interest in visiting the outer planets. "If my aging body can still do things, low or zero gravity ball might be a choice for me in a few years. I'm looking into providing some financial backing into that new football league on the moons of Jupiter."

RIce was reminded that all rival leages to the NFL have folded within three seasons since the AFL merger. "Yes, but this would not be the World League, the USFL, The XFL, the European League, the Lingerie Bowl, or any of those other busts. This would take football to a level it has never been at before: outer space!"

Rice was reminded that, in five years, he will be eligible for the Pro Football Hall of Fame. When asked who he would choose as his presenter, Rice was unsure if any of his original 49er coaches or teammates were still alive.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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