Crackle, of famed trio Snap, Crackle, and Pop, dies

Funny story written by Doug Powers

Monday, 29 December 2003

image for Crackle, of famed trio Snap, Crackle, and Pop, dies
Crackle, center, died of asphyxiation after getting his head stuck in a Cheerio on the set of a commercial shoot

Crackle, of the famed trio that graced Rice Krispie boxes for decades, has passed away, a company spokesman said today.

Crackle, born in 1932 as Willie "Crackle" Finsterbottom, was drawn to the field of cereal advertising and entertainment by his great uncle, the legendary "Poppin' Oats Otis".

It wasn't long before Crackle met the men he would spend the next several decades working with--Ernest "Snap" Williamson and Franklin "Pop" Zander--in a Brooklyn bread line.

Though Crackle's career was a brilliant and lengthy one, it was not without it's troubles. In 1949, a brief but torrid affair with Maxine Andrews of The Andrews Sisters, ended, causing Crackle to sink into a deep depression, followed by repeated attempts to take his own life by tying a lug nut to his foot and jumping into a bowl of milk.

Saved on several occasions by Snap and Pop, Crackle sought counselling and was soon back to his old self, spending many ensuing years honing his craft.

Following a tumultuous three-month marriage to actress Liz Taylor in the late 60's, Crackle sought meaning in several different religions. A brief stint in the Manson Family, along with dabbling in black magic and voodoo, nearly cost Crackle his job with Kellogg's, but company executives decided to give him a second chance.

Many also remember Snap, Crackle, and Pop's legendary appearance at Woodstock, an event marred after Snap ingested, against all advice, the "brown acid". He then climbed the scaffolding, removed his clothes, and went off on a profanity-laced diatribe against the Vietnam War and President Nixon.

Ever the seeker, in later years, Crackle embraced Scientology, which he admits he joined only to get to meet Tom Cruise, then later the Raelian Cult, and most recently the Reverend Moon's "Unity of Sciences" group.

Kellogg's has announced the team will continue on, with comedian Pauly Shore taking the place of the late breakfast legend.

"We're confident the team of 'Snap, Pop, and Shore' will be a big hit with the breakfast consumer", said Kellogg spokesman Bernie Rankmiddle.

Funeral arrangements are pending, but it is expected that pallbearers will include Snap, Pop, Sneezy from the Seven Dwarfs, a life-long friend of Crackle, and Gary Coleman, who just wants the publicity.

He is survived by a wife, a clone of himself made by the Raelian cult, and the undying love of his millions of fans.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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