Glue Comes Unstuck

Funny story written by Stu B

Monday, 7 February 2005

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A healthy and Tanned Six Bellies

Twelve goals in just two games have now sped past the Old One Two's beleaguered goalkeeper fuelling reports that he is considering retirement. Player Manager Sir Kerr MacRae has repeatedly supported the rotund keeper who last years ball stopping exploits earned him Player of the Season.

Some are concerned that his recent dip in form could be due to his adoption of the GI diet, which moderates calorie intake to that of a battalion of US troops. "The sheer area he covered last season was a deterrent enough but now he is getting lower than before there is a gap which the competition have learnt to exploit." Said Richard Six Bellies Adams from a specially widened tanning booth in Sevenoaks.

In the grudge match against old team-mate "Benno's" The Longshots, the Old One Two struggled to contain the young squad as they ran around like a bunch of hyperactive terriers on smarties. The strong defence showed by the Old One Two in its earlier matches crumbled under the pressure of a fitter side who demonstrated their fitness by running the entire circumference of Adams lower belly during the warm up breaking Ellen MacArthur's previous record by over 54 days.

The game ran its course as an send to end battle with the Glue almost saving as many as he let in which equated to nearly a shot a minute.

The tanned Adams languished up front with, unusually for him, very little feeding.

Metters, current bookies favourite for player of the year due to the emergence of tactical voting, very nearly scored with a spirited spurt until someone pointed out it was half time.

The following week the Old One Two faced more newcomers Speldhurst. Initially the pace of the play appeared to favour the Old One Two but then after the first 10 to 12 seconds of the first half the game slipped Speldhurst's way. The match quickly became a physical one with powerful shots being launched from the Speldhurst attack from long distance. By the end of the game a repeat of the Six - nil scoreline led to depressed players eating their peanuts in relative silence.

The Glue was already flustered as he had only just made the match in time due to a previous engagement opening a Suet Factory in Walsall. " I had to upgrade to 1st Class for the train journey back but then it turned out they only had Salad on the buffet trolley" exclaimed a disheartened Glue at the post match banquet.

Two of the six goals scored by Speldhurst are still disputed by Sir Kerr. One for going behind the goal, the other scored after the Glue sustained concussion by a blatant attempt to injure him. "Luckily, The Glue only lost consciousness for a few seconds and was back on his feet to let in a further three goals before the final whistle" he said. Some fans were saying if he had stayed knocked out and laid in front of the goal he would have scored better.

"The Glue has my full Support until Seaman answers my calls" exclaimed a embattled MacRae at a press briefing yesterday. Calls from fans and shareholders to appoint Metters Metcalf as Director of Football after his successful run last season at the helm were ignored by the Player Manager as were rumours that vocal supporter "Red Ted Gluemore" was mounting a takeover bid.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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