Investigators from the office of the National Football League announced today they were dropping the investigation of the 41 year old Viking's quarterback's penis after a thorough forensic study showed conclusively penis pix sent to a female reporter were not his!
The original investigation, launched after a budding reporter claimed she had received graphic pictures of Brett's Helmeted Member in a effort to charm her into a scrimmage under the covers more than 2 years ago, had been hanging over Farve's last announced season in the NFL.
Having started 297 consecutive games, a feat unheard of in badminton, let alone the hard knocks game of American Football, Brett had 3 games remaining this season before retiring with 300 straight starts.
Despite being injured in the last game, with a severe strain in his throwing arm, odds were on him starting Monday night in a game postponed from Sunday when the dome in Minnesota collapsed under 20" of snow blamed on a misinterpretation of Al Gore's 2010 winter forecast, which promised warm sunny skies, and temperatures in the high 80's.
A spokesman for the League explained their findings.
"After an exhaustive study, penis comparisons under all possible lighting conditions, and rigorous testing Mr. Farve cooperated in, we have found that Mr. Farve's penis is definitely not the culprit in the complaint."
League Proctologist, Dr. Victor Nicholas, firmly stated that Mr. Farve's penis is that " of a 41 year old NFL quarterback who has suffered numerous groin strains, several hits to the testicles, and compaction of the penis due to the constraints of wearing a Kevlar cup for over 18 seasons of competition."
"The penis involved in the texts is that of a young, virile man, approximate age 22, showing no exterior damage and exhibiting exceptional turgidity, rigidity, and stiffness in a normal erection prior to the expectation of sex with a female within his age group."
"Further inspection also revealed that the penis in question belongs to a black man, and Mr. Farve, and his penis, are both white."
"Even if the penis in question was photoshopped, its length, breadth and depth preclude any chance that it belongs to a white male."
A spokesman for the FBI said the investigation would continue after new information appears to link the efforts to attack Mr. Farve to a Las Vegas betting scheme involving
whether or not Brett would manage to start all his games this year, and reach the magic 300 level.
Agents said they noticed a definite surge in odds against, after the woman first made her claims about the wayward penis reaching her via cell phone.
"Odds were 50-50 before the season began," said the spokesman, "they went 6-5 after Brett made it through training camp, and right after the charges were made and the claimant said she wouldn't sue if Brett was suspended, the odds went in the toilet at 1-100, meaning you had to bet a hundred to win just $1....some Prick was out to make a piss pot of money on this deal!"
Meanwhile it was just announced that Brett has been given a waiver to appear in the first series of offensive downs against the NY Giants tonight in his mobility scooter.
Said the gangly, goofy Giant's quarterback Eli Manning, brother of gangly, goofy Colts quarterback Peyton, "Hell yes, we gave him the waiver, the one series ain't gonna kills us, and the old fart deserves it....after all he's older than my old man Archie and Peyton and I always cut the old man some slack , neither one of them can get it up anymore, and it's the least we can do!"
If Brett survives the Giant's pass rush tonight, he has two games to go to reach the magic 300 mark.
Said Brett, "Well hell yes I want the record, and if I get it you can cut my dick off, put it in a pickle jar and send it to the Football Hall of Fame....it's already past it's expiration date and the BASTARD's been more trouble than it's worth!"
