Alex Ferguson added his voice today, to the many theories being suggested to explain the under-performance of 'star' forward, Wayne Rooney, during the current World Cup.
Ferguson believes that 24 year old Rooney played so badly, due to the pressure placed on him prior to the tournament and the high expectations that he was to be the tournament's most impressive player.
We can reveal however, that Rooney's lack of performance is due to the simple fact that he is slowly shrinking!
Many commentators noted that Rooney appeared stockier, heavier, fatter even, than he has ever been. In fact Rooney has maintained his weight at the same level, he has however, shrunk by over two inches.
This reduction in height has obviously reduced his speed over the ground, his ability to reach headers and has diminished his confidence generally.
The Rooney's have sought help from Dr. Heinz Spoofenburg, a renowned specialist in the field of 'retrospective dwarfism'. Dr Spoofenburg has confirmed that Rooney is shrinking at the rate of over two inches per year and tragically, the condition is incurable.
Frustratingly, Rooney's condition could have been spotted sooner. 'Sufferer's of retrospective dwarfism often display other noticeable symptoms. Most notably their mental capacity can be diminished and they often display limited or impaired intelligence compared to their physical age', said Spoofenburg.
Assuming that Rooney continues to shrink at the current rate, we calculate that by the time he is 54, in 2050, he will be a mere 8 inches tall. Just right to fit in Colleen's, Marc Jacob's handbag.
