Schumacher Confident About New McTeam

Written by lairdbridger

Tuesday, 15 March 2005


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It was all change at the top today in Formula 1 as first a new team was announced, and then their prize scalp was revealed - Michael Schumacher. Instead of cruising to almost certain victory for Ferrari this season, Schumacher has elected to join the upstart Trabant-McDonalds team.

Additional sponsorship will come from prestigious British fashion retailers Burton Menswear and bakery and sandwich chain Greggs. Formula 1 may at first seem an unlikely venture for East European car minnow Trabant, however like Skoda before them, they are keen to add prestige to their marque and are evidently know how to think big. Whilst their attitude to risk taking has been described as somewhere between hot-headed and suicidal, their enthusiasm remains undimmed. The CEO was quoted as saying, "We are confident, we await the challenge of the decadent westerners with fire in our bellies, our skilled craftsman begin, and end each day with a proud pounding on their noble breasts".

Homunculus Bernie Eccleston described the effect of the new team as having given him a new lease of life, "I've been feeling for a while now, that something has been missing from Formula 1, that spark of excitement, something to captivate the worldwide audience and get people talking about this great sport, which I invented, along with all the other sports of this world so that the denizens of my beautiful planet might look to me with the gratitude and awe I so richly deserve. Now I know what that missing ingredient in the souffle of Formula 1 has been all this time and I am proud to welcome Trabant into the fold."

Others are not so certain, Jensen Button had this to say on the news, "Well obviously Michael's always a serious threat, and I for one won't be underestimating this new force in Formula 1. If you can say one thing about Michael, it's that he takes winning very seriously, it's a religion to him, but a part of me wonders what if they should reduce the amount of liver in his dumplings."

Schumacher himself was quick to defend the decision, "To drive for Trabant. Yes, this is unorthodox, but to win the Formula 1 drivers championship 6 times, this is also unorthodox yes?" At this point he raised an eyebrow, and stared expressionless for some time at our reporter, which lent the moment a particularly surreal and slightly menacing air, since the Trabant-McDonalds team overalls have been designed and made by McDonalds and Burton and are based on McDonald's clown and children's favourite, Ronald McDonald. Still these are early days, and who knows how the Schumacher Trabant pairing will fare in the coming months. This reporter cannot wait to find out.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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